May 3, 2024
“Lately its been my prayer for the Lord to give me a heart of flesh and remove the heart of stone. A heart that is obedient despite the pain or inconveniences. A heart that is resilient and moldable, to be aligned with His desires for me.
I come from being constantly offended causing me to naturally become defensive.
I didn’t ask for my heart to be mishandled, but it was. I didn’t ask for my family to be dismantled, but it was.
I was once like Judah and Israel before exile, lost and radically disobedient. Now I know that the enemy had been trying to use the hard things to turn me away from my Father, even from the moment I was born.
I don’t know why the past had to happen the way it did, but I do know that the future will happen the way it will because God has a plan. And even in the dark moments, in my own personal exiles, he has been and will continue to be my sanctuary.
In his discipline he still loves us. And when we turn back he’s already waiting with open arms. He redirected my steps when I had rejected him, and because of that I know that there’s no greater love than his.”
Usually when I wake early in the morning, it’s because of a dream (or nightmare). I typically would immediately start praying, asking God for direction or clarity (or protection depending on the nature of my awakening). Eventually that would lead into reading my bible as well until I felt at peace. However this particular time, I woke up to the Lord revealing a personal vision to me. In an effort to make sure I would remember it, I scrambled to type it into my notes app. In typical me fashion, I got a little distracted in the process and just decided to take a scroll down memory lane. That’s when I came across this note to self. I wrote it a little over a year ago, May 3, 2024 to be exact. Recently I came across it in the notes app of my phone after waking up in the middle of the night. I remember just feeling amazed when I rediscovered it. It was eye opening. Not because it was super profound but because it serves as evidence for how far the Lord has brought me.
When I read this I realized God is truly faithful. I’ll start with the first part, heart work. Last year my heart felt to be in constant limbo. One minute I’d be fine, the next I was numb. Triggers would randomly show face at the least convenient time. And unaware of the deeper issues I was having inside, at times I reacted poorly. But God. He answered my prayer in so many ways. It was a painful year, but that pain caused me to grow. It caused me to realize the root of certain wounds. I was forced to untangle the web, to remove the weeds. It’s not a pretty sight or a “feel good” thing to go through. It’s brutal. People see you hurting, bleeding, and crawling your way to higher ground the best you can. I’m blessed that there were people around me who actually uplifted me and held me up on their shoulders during those hard times. Even still, a lame man can’t walk again without having the will. They could only bring me so far before I had to face my emotions head on and make a change. I did, but I promise you it was only by the grace, patience, and nurturing of the Holy Father. So many nights I prayed, “God change my heart. Fix me, please. God I’m sorry! God I’m lonely. God I am empty.” Nothing profound, just honest.
Now to the latter part, obedience. I was at low points quite often last year. Places of vulnerability that force you to make a decision. Leave or stay? Abide, endure. I made the daily decision to continue trusting him and submitting to the Lord’s will. I feel it can sometimes be overlooked that for some of us yielding to obedience is a process. I’ve seen God do things immediately — change someone in an instance forever. However, my walk has proven to be a labor of patience and slow, gradual change. I always want to be obedient, but it has taken time for me to finally start walking in obedience day to day. It did not happen over night. Ultimately, now I am grateful for this journey. I’ve learned how to stay committed to God despite my circumstance. I’d be lying if I said my faith has not wavered when things got hard, but the growth comes through continuing to believe when it seems like you may have no reason to. I keep pushing forward, hoping, praying, and believing.
Finally, I prayed for my heart to be aligned with the Lord’s desires for me. This has been the hardest thing. It’s not that I don’t want what God wants for me, but it’s hard because I’m human, with my own personal goals and desires for my life. So far, a lot of my original plans for my life have fallen apart (if not all of them tbh). I’ve had to grieve the life that I dreamed of and hoped for. I’ve had to surrender my plans and altar my deepest longings. That’s no small thing. However, I’ve finally come to realize that it’s the best thing despite how it may feel in the moment. And I would not be able to be at this point without the empowerment of the Holy Spirit.
So, there it is. A post. A reflection. A glimpse into my heart and mind. If you made it this far I hope you just leave this post feeling encouraged. Take my story and be inspired to keep going, keep trusting God, and keep being open and honest about this Christian walk. Just remember. Allow yourself to look back at where you were to appreciate where you are now. Finally, take a survey of memory lane for yourself, and you might be surprised as well at the faithfulness of God in your life.
XOXO,
K.V.B.
