Friendship

I just want to start by saying this is NOT advice. It is more of a reflection on friendship and what it means (or has meant previously) in my life. Hopefully it will be helpful to you in the sense that you can learn from my mistakes and experiences. However, I am no expert. I’m just a girl with a perspective that I hope someone can relate to and feel seen in. I wanted to write about this topic because I think I've been just realizing the ways that friendships have changed for me throughout different stages of my life. The friendships I’ve experienced recently are different in many ways than that of the past, mainly for the better. However, I think we all enter new seasons with expectations for what they’ll look like, and I don’t think I can say I expected any of where I’m right now.  

Simpler Times... 

When I was a little kid, it seemed like friends were truly a dime a dozen. They came and went all the time. Something as devastating as a change in favorite colors could end it all, right there in the midst of 2pm recess. Of course, as a five-year-old on a playground, basic similarities played a major role in connecting with peers and making friends. It’s natural to gravitate toward those you have things in common with. But there’s also that beautiful thing about children called curiosity. It’s what pushed us to talk to the kids that weren’t like us. We saw something, value maybe. We had questions. We wanted to scratch the itch of knowing more. And so, we did. 

Children also have a type of boldness that I don’t often see in myself and many other adults. Once curiosity enters the chat, that boldness ushers them into conversations that create space for differences to be shared and appreciated. They are not afraid to be who they are, and they also aren’t intimidated by those around them being who they are. That is until they get a little older, and comparison starts to show its ugly head.  

Transitions... 

As we get older and grow into adolescence, we become more aware of social norms and the expectations set by the world. There’s more obvious separation between groups. I think this is one of the unfortunate things about growing older. I can remember being “friends” (or at the very least, friendly) with mostly everyone during elementary school. Then just one summer later, that jump from elementary school to middle school caused such a great divide. I can remember not being one of the popular crowd for whatever reason. However, I still had certain bonds that withstood the awkward changes of puberty and adolescence; there were still a few who were true friends.  

I never felt like I was on the outside during that time. As my friendships matured, they were based on likes and dislikes, similarities and differences still, but there was also the element of us all going through changes physically, mentally, and emotionally all at the same time. I didn’t realize it then, but I know more than ever now, that having people you can lean on during seasons of change is so invaluable.  

Complications... 

When high school came along, more friendship mishaps than I could have ever imagined occurred. I lost two best friends. One because of boy drama in a very roundabout way. Honestly, I take full responsibility for my part in that (Who knew a very poorly timed joke about a sensitive topic would be the boiling point of an underlying rage?) The other (also my fault) was also over a boy. Not that my friend ever betrayed me or that I had done so to her, but that I had no idea how to be a good judge of character when it came to guys. It’s honestly embarrassing to admit, but it was so true. She tried to protect me (as did MANY others), but I was like a brick wall. After entering a certain relationship, I had been manipulated to a point of no return, and it cost me my closest friends. If I could go back and do it all over, I’d tell my younger self, “Good friends are hard to find, so value and cherish them while you can.”  

Other friends were lost during that time for good reasons. I had to learn what love between friends really looks like and what it does not. I survived hateful comments about my choices, girls that were hungry for control, guys that never really planned to be my friend without something in return. It was truly a whirlwind. But in the midst of all these difficulties, God was reaching out to me consistently, and I knew I wanted to make Him happy. It took me many years to get to a place where I could say my life choices matched that desire, but I’m grateful that despite the pain I’d endured in high school, the love of and friendship with God was still there (even in baby form). 

And beyond... 

As I entered college, things continued to change. I was no longer in that toxic relationship, and making friends suddenly just came naturally again. It was like five-year-old me emerging all over again. Living in the dorms also highly contributed to the ease of making friends. It was something I’d never experienced before, being around SO many women, yet we all coexisted peacefully for the most part. Sure, every now and then there were tiny wars, but mostly things were good and simple again. That is until they weren’t. 

Toward the end of my years at Carson Newman, the fun and excitement of all the new friends had worn off. I was realizing that though I loved my friend group, who I was didn’t really align with who they were being. So, I started to distance myself. The move was peaceful at first, but lonely as time went by. It is that same loneliness that has nagged me into adult life.  

It’s hard to understand the feeling unless you know it. It’s the feeling when you’re in a room packed with smiling and laughing people, but inside something feels off. You’re happy to be there, and you are there for the purpose of pursing more. You don’t want to be lonely anymore. This is your attempt at trying to bridge the gap, but for whatever reason, you still feel miles away from everyone else. You show up every single time, but (as my pastors would say) “Your feelers might be a little broken.” That’s a feeling I currently wrestle with often. 

While I do experience that sometimes, I also don’t want to discount the good. The good is that through my church I have been able to be around a community of true believers in Christ. And while I don’t always feel like I “fit in” so to speak, I do know that God is moving in that area and he is listening to my cries for companionship. It just may not look how I expected it to.  

The friends that I currently have in my life are so different than who I could’ve imagined would be in my life. I think I’d be lying if I didn’t say I expected the friends I graduated high school with to still be my closest friends, but they aren’t. That has been hard to grapple with. In a weird way, I’ve had to grieve for people who are still alive and well, but just aren’t my people anymore. It’s unsettling but also humbling. It’s made me appreciate when good people do come into my life so much more now.  

Overall, I can say I am blessed with the current friends I have. Despite having to recalibrate my expectations for some of my friendships, I do feel lucky to have a sense of community that is healthy and supportive. It’s been a journey trying to understand friendship, especially as an adult. When you’re an adult, friendship is no longer a given but something you really have to work for. I’ve felt discouraged many times because the work either didn’t seem like it was worth it, or it was painful not having it be reciprocated to the extent that I’d hoped it would. Granted, I’m sure most people don’t want any of their relationships to feel like work (myself included), but there comes a point where more effort is necessary to maintain friendships. Without it bonds can be easily undone or just slowly drift away. With that recent discovery I plan to go forward with the mindset that a little effort may go a lot further than I expect.

So, that’s it folks! My reflection of friendship: past, present, and hopefully future. I know my life is really still only beginning, but I’ve definitely been through a lot and learned a lot. I know as life goes on I will continue to grow, and I do intend to share my growing perspectives as time flies. But, for now I feel happy with the understanding I’ve come to, and I hope others can appreciate my journey as well.

Thanks for reading!

XOXO,

K.V.B.